Addiction

by GoldandLuxe

I am a firm giver, a helper, a stubborn negotiator. I want to hug tight, kiss hard, and cry only when no one is watching. I am addicted not to a substance, but rather a feeling.

The beautiful souls that I call my friends, my famiy, my brothers, my sisters- they all have extended apart of themselves to me. In little bits and pieces, the stories have unfolded. Some have unfolded like neat little packages, others have unfolded among chaos, with burnt and torn edges. But nonetheless the stories, the baggage that we all carry is revealed. Those thin slices of our memories are stripped away. And this is how we grow into each other, this is how we realize that we, as humans, as lovers, as soulmates, were meant to meet. We allow each other to give and take from our baggage- not necessarily in monumental ways, but simply lending an ear, sharing our pasts, and realizing that we can save each other from our own darkness. This process allows us to become rooted to each other.

I love you because I want to know your past. I want to dip into the parts of you that make you nervous- the parts that make your hands shake a bit and your head to become muddy with emotions. I grant you the persmission to give and take what we both have learned and what we passionately wish to learn from each other in the future. I love you not because of where you are now, but because of that journey that has allowed you the courage to have made it here. I am addicted to being the one you seek refuge in because I know no other way- I know no other way to give myself to you. It is that moment of realization that I am not equipped to save everyone, that makes me fearful.

Perhaps the relentless nature of being a Capricorn will always define me. The inability to rid myself of my addiction, will always determine who is strong enough to be in these pull and tug relationships with me. I wonder if our souls were equipped to be addicted to anything- people, emotions, ideas, passions. If I am addicted to saving others, I wonder then if I am capable of saving myself. How much of ourselves should we give? When does giving too much become dangerous?

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